Name: Barkitecture.
Age: 27 years old.
Appearance: Plush provisions for posh pooches.
It’s 27 years old? That’s hardly newsworthy. Well, there was Fred Albert’s 1999 book Barkitecture, about upmarket kennels. And then there was the 2020 Quibi platform show Barkitecture, where a Bachelorette runner-up made kennels for celebrities. Also, the Guardian has covered the term before.
So my point stands. But wait, the term has mutated.
Into what? It no longer covers just kennels. It is now about redesigning your house beyond all recognition in order to pamper your pet.
I need specifics. How about outdoor hot water showers for your dog? Or an ergonomic feeding station, so your pet doesn’t have to bend its neck to reach its dinner? Or a calming pheromone dispenser to keep your dog happy?
That’s just what I’ve always wanted – a lazy, stoned dog. I suppose I had better not mention the rise of the £45 doggy dryrobe, then.
Oh, for God’s sake. Dogs are working animals. And you’re a working person. Do you want to be hosed down with freezing water and eat your food off the ground every day? Do you want to wander around naked?
That’s different. I’m a human. Well, suck it up, because barkitecture is the new norm. The interior designer Laura Stephens told the Telegraph: “In high-end homes, dog showers are as essential as somewhere to put muddy boots … I’m seeing a lot more demand for dog beds too, and I’ve just designed an under-stairs cupboard for a cat with a built-in feeding station.”
So much for the cost of living crisis. That’s it. Treating your pet as lavishly as possible is a sign of a large disposable income.
This isn’t actually about the animals, is it? Of course it is. Everyone loves their pets. But if you can show your neighbours that you have enough money to love your pets more than they do, then that’s an added bonus.
Well, I do love being obnoxious. In that case, may I introduce you to the £3,000 Wet Pets hydro spa dog whirlpool bath, featuring antimicrobial walls and adjustable mood lighting? Or the £670 custom-built “Balmoral” Chesterfield-style leather dog bed?
Good lord. How about a shepherd’s hut that has been converted into a dedicated high-end dog spa? Yours for just £28,000.
Won’t all this spoil your pets? Yes, you’re completely right, your cockapoo is far less likely to help you track prey across the wild expanses if it has a warm shower once a week, isn’t it? I unreservedly apologise.
Do say: “Rover, walkies!”
Don’t say: “Once you’ve finished your massage, obviously.”